I wanna live with you in a big city, in not a big, but perfect house. Theres something cozy and romantic about it, a perfect little house on the west coast, in a big Californian city. It makes me warm inside thinking about it. I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and know its just not a dream, but reality that youre really next to me. I wanna photograph you a lot and make you happy. I wanna make you amazing meals because I like it when I’m the reason youre smiling. I really really do. I wanna have a big bed with only half of it occupied because our bodies will be so close when were in bed. I want simple things with you. Like the way the sun will reflect off your handsome skin oh so gorgeously. Or the way you look at me with your sleepy eyes. I want a future with you. And i see it.
I fall for people when they talk about the things they’re very passionate about and the things that interests them. Like the reason why they love music, why they look at the stars, the way their voices heightens and pace increases because they’re trying to explain every rushing thought, and just the way their eyes light up when they talk about the things or people they love.
I fall for passionate people who knows how to articulate their love for those things.
There was a point in my life where I had this idea that I would never be able to truly dedicate myself to another person— to give someone my all, my complete being, my heart, mind, and soul. I thought that I would never be able to even give a slight piece. I could never surrender such things to another person. Surrender the things that could easily tear you apart to another someone else? Human beings are known to come and go. And anyone can go at any moment— when you least expect it. That is why I laugh at the idea of making someone my “entire world.” I see people do it all the time. But it doesn’t mean that it always works out. I could not imagine the emptiness that would consume me if I made someone my entire world, and then they went gone. But then again, maybe I’m too used to the emptiness that has already consumed me. No one wants to feel the same pain twice. But it wasn’t painful. It isn’t painful. Emptiness comes quietly. The next thing you know, it feels like it was with you the entire time. Some of you may think that feeling empty or lonely is such a terrible, terrible thing. To many people, of course. But not everyone knows how to deal with such emotions. We are weak. But not all of us are. I honestly don’t think this world wasn’t made to nourish beautiful relationships all over. It’s every man for himself. And not everyone comes out a winner. I’ve accepted who I am, what I feel, how I think, etc. I may not be able to truly dedicate myself to another person, but I have dedicated myself to many other things. Things that help fill in the void in a beautiful way. Things that will allow me to experience a happiness of my own. Dreams. Dreams are quite lovely. To some, love is like a fuel. It keeps them going. To me, dreams replace love. I highly stress the fact of learning to be alone because it is the most beautiful and smartest thing that you can do. I have severely detached myself from reality to the point where it feels like I now live in a dream world. It sounds a bit silly. But I’m surrounded by this aura, this fuel, this other type of “love.” And that is how I make it by. Not everyone functions the same way. Not everyone thinks the same way. Not everyone finds a lover, gets married, has a family, and lives happily ever after. I’ve thrown that image out of my head a long time ago. I don’t expect such things. I just simply go with the flow. I don’t go out of my way to look for relationships, because doing that will only lead to disappointment. If someone comes along, and things work out— beautiful. If someone comes along, and it doesn’t work out— that’s fine. I have other things to do. I have dreams to achieve. My sole purpose in life isn’t to find someone else to be with. It is to be happy. And who says that being with someone else is the only source of happiness? You should know very well that happiness, beauty, and love comes in all different ways.
Sometimes, you just gotta take time off from everything and everyone that exhausts you. They won’t blame you for leaving. They will understand. If they’re a tad important to you, you might give them a note of departure. If not, just get up and go. When you come back and meet again, you will be bigger and better than ever. Do what you gotta do.
I’ve always wanted to wake up early in the morning when it’s raining out and make some tea, sit in a big comfortable chair, and just read and listen to the rain on my roof while drinking tea. And it would be quiet for a while. I could concentrate on whatever I want. Then the sun would rise, and the day would start. But I would have those couple of hours behind me that I could look back on for the rest of the day and just remember how relaxed I was.
I like watching the sky. Shades of blue and yellow gradient eventually beautifully turning into an aesthetic star-filled sky. The sun rising and setting, signaling dawn on the other side of the world while it is somehow nighttime here. Have you ever thought it weird how we all live under the same sky yet we all live in different time zones? It can be pitch black somewhere while somewhere else the sun is giving off its radiant light. I’ve always though it to be a little weird. But then again, everythings weird so I guess its okay.